Name:     Zapp
IP:       128.135.118.107
Subject:  Re: this one's short, not very good, and you shouldn't read it
Email:    zapp_ronin@hotmail.com
Website:  http://
Heh.  A fun little story, indeed.  Seems like there should be a row of stars followed by part
two, "The Car Chase."  Oh, no title?
Derek's right about the dialogue being a bit stilted, but it's hard to write dialogue in a piece
like this without it sounding contrived.  I would change SOME of the dialogue into the summary
form (like the baseball argument - nice detail) but leave the real choice zingers.  Yes, I
fucking said zingers.
Some minor details of the story were not believable.  Did he leave his clothes behind in the
closet?  Would professional bank robbers chitchat about baseball (although I would leave that
one myself) or shout out the names of their partners in crime?  Maybe that's intentional, too,
but again, it begs to know the circumstances of the robbery beyond this episodic portrayal -
what happened before and what will happen after?
Thanks for joining the story-postin' bandwagon, and keep it up!
(The rants too, eh?)--ZAPP