Name:     BlackHoleMaster
IP:       208.234.229.114
Subject:  Re: Some thoughts
Email:    tom_servo@worldnet.att.net
Website:  http://
Article:
I liked it the way it is... Keenon, I didn't know you had it in you.  Good Job.  Now I've got to
be jealous of you too.--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
                    Replying to Original Article:Not bad, though it could use some work.  Just
some thoughts: -Really nice opening.  Grabs your attention.  I liked it a lot.
 -Symbolism is...interesting.  Though a little distracting...at some points it is hard to wade
through it and keep up with what's going on.
 -Parenth...Paranth...these things () aren't the best idea to use in a story.  Sometimes they DO
work, but sometimes they get in the way.  Using commas works just as well, and doesn't alienate
the phrase as much.  Just an idea.
And just from the point of view of a guy who writes screenplays:
 -Dialogue is a little sparce.  Might make the story a little clearer if people spoke more. 
Also, if you want to tell the story through the main character's thoughts, first person might be
the way to go.  Makes things easier.
And now that I've talked like I know what I'm saying, I will leave.  Hope this helps.
 -D the F